Where I Am

For the last few weeks, I've felt off, been in a slump of sorts.

There's a variety of factors, but at some point I feel like I got sucker punched in the heart, and it knocked the wind out of my soul.  I've been gasping for air ever since, not able to catch my breath.

I've been looking at the world without a sense of joy or hope, looking outside the windows and seeing a mirage of gray swirling overhead. I've turned with the seasons.

Much of my goal on this site is to give hope to those who need it.  I haven't written anything recently because I cannot give something I don't have.  I've started a few things, even tried writing a guest post for a friend, but everything's come out flat.  My words are mushy and inauthentic and fake, and I can't stand by that.

So here's my true state: I need some light. I need some hope. I need some renewal of something. I need Spring, in several senses.

I even started listening to Christmas music too early, just because I hoped it would make me feel cheery.

The disappointing part of this post is that it's missing the turn. There's no part at the end where I switch course and tell you what I've done to jumpstart my spirit. I can only put words down that I mean, things I feel. I can't make something up.

If you're with me: if you've been knocked down by whatever it is and can't seem to stand, please know you're not alone.

Before I left work for Thanksgiving break, I picked up a 500 page book on suicide off the shelf that I bought awhile back and haven't read yet. I knew full well I wasn't going to take it with me, but for some reason I felt like flipping through. I'd bought the book used, and haven't even opened it. Part way through, there was a little slip of paper from whoever had owned it last, and it had this written on it:

There is still hope.

This feels like an echo of a song I know I love, but cannot remember the tune.  This feels like a friend I was close to, but haven't seen in too long.

But even when I can't feel it, I have to believe it. I have to believe in hope, believe in love, believe that the light is winning, otherwise I am almost positive I will not survive. These things are like air, they are built into you as necessities, as needs. Forget food and water, you need to believe in bigger and greater things than yourself and the things around you.

If Jesus is Light & Hope & Truth and if God is Love, than you were created in the image of these very things. You were created for them and out of them. (Tweet)

Hold on. Desperately and with tears stinging your eyes. I know some days it is impossible to feel anything but heavy. I know that those days turn to weeks and months and you feel like you might be drowning in the slowest way possible. Reach higher and yell louder. There are those around you who will not let you go. Let them fight for you and you for them and we can all push forwards.

I don't know where you are. For now, I am here.